Have you ever received a compliment from someone who deliberately remarked on your infact or newborn with comments such as: “She is such an angel, she never cries!” or “He’s the easiest baby, because he just sleeps all day and doesn’t demand anything?”
To an outsider, or even a tired parent, a newborn who rarely makes noise and never demands to be held seems like a dream come true, which our society labels a “good baby.” In short, if your infant is quiet, easy-going, and sleeps long hours without creating a fuss, they can be a good baby.
However, in the world of foster care and infant trauma, an unnaturally quiet, easygoing, and distant baby can actually be sending a red signal that needs attention. Far from being merely easygoing, these infants may be exhibiting severe trauma responses known as dissociation and pre-verbal hyper-independence.
When a human being encounters perceived danger, the autonomic nervous system responds in stages, and older children and adults can fight back or run away (fight or flight). But when it comes to an infant, they can’t do the same because they are physically incapable of fighting or fleeing. When a baby’s physical or emotional cries for help go repeatedly unanswered, be it because of severe neglect, maternal depression, or prolonged separation, their nervous system reaches a threshold, and the baby’s brain activates its final survival mechanism: the freeze or shutdown response.
This process is infant dissociation. It is a protective shift in psychological neurocircuitry, where the baby detaches from their surroundings to protect their mind from sensory and emotional overwhelm.
Therefore, caregivers and foster parents should be attuned to subtle behavioral markers that indicate shutdown rather than genuine contentment:
- The “Foster Care Stare”: The baby frequently exhibits a blank, glazed, or vacant gaze, staring into space without making active eye contact or engaging with people in their environment.
- Lack of Distress Crying: The infant does not cry when hungry, wet, cold, or uncomfortable. They have learned at a deep subconscious level that signaling distress does not yield a comforting response.
- Arching Away or Stiffening: When picked up, the baby does not melt or relax into the caregiver’s body. Instead, they remain rigid, arch their back, or actively push away, unused to—or unsettled by—human physical closeness.
- Hyper-Independence: The baby shows no preference for a primary caregiver and appears indifferent to being left alone or handed to strangers, lacking the typical, healthy separation anxiety expected at their developmental stage.
Bringing a dissociated baby out of shutdown requires intentional effort to convince their nervous system that signaling for help is safe again. For instance, when a previously silent baby finally cries out for food or comfort, you should view it as a major developmental victory. It means the baby is beginning to trust that their voice matters. You should be engaging in low-stimulation “serve-and-return” interactions. Hold the baby close during feedings, speak softly, and wait patiently for brief moments of eye contact without forcing engagement. Even if the baby initially resists being held, you should continue offering gentle physical contact as they could be of great help. This could include swaddles, baby carriers, or soft massages, showing them that proximity is safe.
So, don’t get fooled by the “good baby” myth. Just because your baby is easygoing doesn’t mean that they are okay. We as parents and foster parents and caretaker professionals should recognize that the difference between a contented baby and a traumatized one is essential for anyone caring for infants in child welfare. Get Too Attached: Collective Wisdom on Fostering Babies by Alicia McCormick, PhD, is a great book in this regard. The book shares real stories and practical insights from experienced foster mothers who have successfully helped withdrawn, silent babies learn to trust, love, and thrive again, keeping them healthy and happy.
Read the book on Amazon: https://a.co/d/021kJ9Y3